Here’s a QUICK REVIEW from last week, then my response THIS week!
A wife brings her frustrations or hurts to her husband, and he feels attacked. He brushes them off and returns fire with his own frustrations. Her shields go up to protect herself, and she fires back again. Around and around it goes.
I suggested that the wife really is NOT trying to attack, but send a message. The key, I said, is to fend off one’s own reactions and decipher the other person’s message: what is she saying/wanting?
That’s where we pick up today.
What is she saying/wanting? My answer: Simply put, she wants connection. More fully, she wants the relationship to be one of connection, at every level. She wants to be on the same page, see eye to eye, be heard and understood, make amends, experience being on the same team, know what it is like to work well together, and enjoy a deep, rich connection.
John Gottman, the country’s foremost researcher on marriages and what makes them great, says couples regularly make “bids for connection.”
He describes the “bids” as the small, everyday attempts people make to connect with their partner—these can be verbal, physical, or emotional gestures. For example, a bid might be as simple as saying, “Look at that bird!” or reaching for a hug. OR it could be her complaining that he is never helping out, or always out in the garage. It could be him complaining that she is always on her phone, or her always stating what he is not doing correctly around the house. The latter “bids” sound like attacks, but deep down – trust me, they are still bids for connection!
Gottman found in his research that the way partners respond to these bids is critical to the health of the relationship. There are three types of responses:
- Turning Toward: Engaging with the bid in a positive or receptive way. For example, “Wow, that is a pretty bird!” OR responding to a complaint with: “You sound frustrated or hurt about… (whatever.) Tell me what is really happening inside you.” This builds trust and emotional connection.
- Turning Away: Ignoring or missing the bid (e.g., no response or distracted by a phone).
- Turning Against: Responding with irritation or hostility (e.g., “Why are you bothering me with that?”).
Gottman’s research shows that in successful relationships, partners turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who eventually divorce only turn towards each other’s bids around 33% of the time. These small moments, compounded over time, are foundational to emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction.
MY QUESTION: What will you do this week when your spouse (or child, friend, neighbor, or co-worker) makes a bid for connection, whether it seems positive or negative in nature? Will you turn toward, turn away, or turn against?
I look forward to hearing your thoughts or your experience this week!
Mark Oelze
Author/Creator of PLEDGEtalk
Learn more at PLEDGEtalk.com
